“No one should ever ask themselves that: Why am I unhappy? The question carries within it the virus that will destroy everything. If we ask that question, it means we want to find out what makes us happy. If what makes us happy is different from what we have now, then we must either change once and for all or stay as we are, feeling even more unhappy.” – Paulo Coelho
It has been awfully quiet in this part of cyberspace (last post was more than a month ago, ugh) – saw-ry!
It was a roller-coaster month of June. Big decisions were made… and here I am – back to the corporate world again.
I know, I know. I was supposed to be happy staying at home, working on the baby project, doing some writing on the side, sleeping the whole day, cooking dinner for Edzel, and not braving the terrible traffic every single day. So, what happened?
June was my month of revelation.
For some reason, I was able to connect with some other APAS “mommies”. One reached out to me through my blog and another one through Facebook. While I do not rejoice that there seems to be a lot of couples going through this same situation, it is comforting (in an odd way) to talk to someone who is exactly in the same boat. The phrase, “I know how you feel.” becomes more meaningful and resonates to your core.
These reproductive-immuno disorders have existed for a while NOW but it is so complicated that you get tired just by thinking of having to explain the condition to someone else.
So last June, I received my last batch of test. It was a rejection test required by Dra. Sua-Lao, my OB, because she suspects that I am not only suffering from Category 1 & 2, I am also a Category 5 candidate. Hearing that news was devastating. The treatments for the first two categories are already crazy (read: injections in the tummy every day when you get pregnant to thin the blood plus the immunotherapy sessions) and having the “worst” category was just a punch to the gut.
I was initially ruled out for Category 5 as my NK (natural killer) cells count was low although Dra. Gloria said that there is no test in the country that can fully evaluate the rabidity of the cells. In layman’s terms, I may have few killer cells but they are the psychotic kind (PS, this is just my interpretation).
Last June, we had to bite the bullet because we wanted to cover all bases and just be done with all the possible tests. Dra. Sua-Lao requested me for a TH1/TH2 test to test rejection. We sent my blood to a US lab and waited for two weeks for the results. The wait was agonizing (patience is not my virtue, hello!) I was hoping that my results will show normal ranges but lo and behold, my values were over the roof. Sua-Lao told me that this was the reason for my miscarriages.
This was another shock to me and Edzel. After Sua-Lao discussed our options, we (reluctantly) decided to put our ‘project’ on-hold. I was reeling from all my medicines and from the stress. I just want normalcy back, somehow. I am yet to discuss these new results with our immunologist, Dra. Carol, and what our next steps will be, especially with the indefinite timeline.
But this post is not all dark and gloomy. In fact, AS I MENTIONED EARLIER, this has been an epiphany.
I realized that maybe it is just not time for us yet. I was so unhappy that I could not have a baby (yet) that I quit work thinking it was just stress. I was happy for a while writing and prioritizing our ‘project’ but then eight months after, there came more complications sprouting like mushrooms. I wasn’t happy with our baby project. I wasn’t happy with where my career was going (or not going). I wasn’t happy to stare at my computer the whole day with no one to interact with (there were times that I prayed to Him to make Sachi talk, haha).
I am an ENFJ, after all. I need social interaction. I need self-affirmation through the things I accomplish. Staying at home did not seem appealing anymore. And the oddest thing added up. With all the second-guessing if I should go back to work or not, I got a job offer.
Coincidence? I don’t think so.
Deep in my heart, I knew that it was God telling me to just let go. I had to put at the foot of the cross this incessant want, this need of wanting a baby that is already causing me so much unhappiness. I was already complete. I had my husband. I had my career. I had a great family and an awesome bunch of friends. I had Sachi. The baby should have just been a bonus. Because if you really think about it, each child is a gift obtained through God’s grace. Edzel and I did all that we could. But it was just not within our control. It was not in our hands.
So, I had to let go. Because it is selfish to hold on and to demand for my little one. I already have so much blessings in my life. All we can do now is wait.
I could not count the ticking of the clock while waiting for His grace. I think He wants me to move on, do the things I love and just live my life as normally as I can. And normal for me is being back in the corporate world. Surrounded by the clicking of the keyboards and piles of program approvals. With the sweet aroma of caffeine that just seems to be more potent, more delectable when you gobble it while crunching some work files.
Finally, something in my life makes sense again. My gears are now moving, slowly but surely.
