When It Is Tough To Be Thankful

My OB asked me this question when I entered her clinic this afternoon, “Pagod ka na ba? (Are you tired?)”.

I didn’t get to ponder on her question and to really probe on what I am currently feeling, so in the end, I just smiled weakly.

It has been a tough week. Apparently, contrary to my initial belief, my well of optimism is not everlasting. Today, I just feel sad and tired and frustrated.

I have been in and out of St. Lukes for about a week now, finishing all the tests that I need to undergo as quickly as I can. A total of twelve vials of blood has been extracted from me. The last extractions were horrible since my veins were already collapsing and the medical technologists cannot get the quantity that they needed.

On the plus side, I am grateful that out of the eight tests to determine my category (amongst five), I have been negative in two.

The wait for the other results is excruciating. It is also even frustrating that I cannot seem to find decent or abundant resources on this APAS condition.

I am sad that I may have this. The results are still inconclusive but one result showing a low spike in my hormone level  was enough to shortlist me with it. I am guilty that I have to put my husband into this ordeal. I am frustrated — why me? There are so many women or girls out there who easily get pregnant and they do not want the baby. Yes, it is depressing and despite the outpouring support from family and close friends, I kind of feel that I am alone in this, without any source of reprieve or something which I can do to actually solve the situation.

Today is just a little puddle in my happy project. Still at the end of this day, I am happy that the husband is being patient with my tantrum and tries to console me without even knowing why I am acting up.

Oh well, maybe I just need to sleep it off. 🙂

Goodnight, loves!