What Is Your Cross?



This may come late. After all, the Lenten season is over. However, two days after Easter, my life felt like semana santa. This week has been full of suffering, doubt, feelings of betrayal and so on. 

I know that Lent is usually about sacrifices. Us carrying our crosses. Us offering our sacrifice. So that is what happened to me. My suffering, my cross (another one) just came a week after.

I received another devastating news last Tuesday. Another big hiccup on my baby project. I was filled with hopelessness, self-pity, guilt, every awful feeling that you could imagine. After I came back from the hospital and seeing the results of my test, I cocooned myself at home and drowned myself in tears. My eyes were puffy and swollen and I couldn’t stop the tears. I want to be positive, I really do. But sometimes, it is just so hard to see the silver lining. 

My friends, family and Edzel are always there and I could never be more grateful. Each of them pull me an inch out of my funk. It doesn’t get better. The situation is still the same. I just deal with it differently every day with the help of the people around me.

Just today, I talked to someone who has read my blog. She’s also suffering from repro-immuno disorder and we had an honest, soul-bearing conversation. And then I realized, I am not alone. Misery loves company. While that sounds utterly depressing, I would take what I can to not feel alone in this situation. It is just too much to bear. 

Many of us suffering from this difficulty to conceive remain quiet. It’s devastating. It strips you off of your self-confidence, your self-esteem. I often hesitate every time I post about my condition. Why am I baring my inadequacy to the whole world? It is a family problem. It should be kept inside our walls. Maybe. If I am like everyone else.

But I am not. I have never been. 

My conversation with my newfound friend this morning just strengthened my cause. This and all the emails from unknown people who reached out to me undergoing the same plight – us seeking solace from each other. 

Repro-immuno disorder is so common now but noone knows about it until they miscarry more than once. Truth is, while the autoimmune test can turn out expensive, it would still come out as a better and cheaper option than spending for a miscarriage and carrying an awful emotional baggage. The treatment process is another story but I think knowing what you are up against is the first step.

So please, if you know anyone who has suffered from pregnancy loss, ask them to inquire about APAS. It could save them from the pain of having to endure more losses. And one more thing, please hug them for me…

x,

Balot