To have loved and lost…

I woke up in the middle of the night the other day, sandwiched between  my two kulits whose soft snores blended with their dad’s own orchestra. Sleep has evaded me and while browsing Facebook, I chanced upon this artist’s painting, Alena Kalchanka

and my heart just broke into a million pieces…

It was bittersweet to have come across these photos because around this time, 5 years ago, I lost my second baby.

Time (and two epidurals) has somehow clouded my memory and I haven’t thought a lot about my little angels this past year but seeing these paintings brought me an avalanche of raw, mixed emotions.

Statistics show that 1 out of 4 women will suffer from a pregnancy loss. That’s an awful high number, don’t you think? October is, in fact, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month and this post could not have been more timely.

While miscarriages may be common, it still does not take away the pain that we go through when we lose a pregnancy.

It doesn’t matter if you were 5 weeks along or 3 months or 8 — the heartache of a miscarriage would still be the same for a mother who was expecting.

While I am the happiest woman because God has given me Santi and Lucia despite my autoimmune and alloummune disorders, I am also the saddest to have never met my two Bastis.

Someday, my little ones, someday…

I will never know God’s real reason of taking my Sebastians too soon, but my Santi and Lucia are living proof of God’s infinite grace that in His time, He will grant our heart’s desires.

So, to you, my little cherubims, there will always be a space in my heart reserved only for you. Someday, I hope to meet you, wherever that may be. Til then.


P.S. I contacted Alena on Facebook and asked permission to use her photos (thank God for Google Translate because I speak no Italian) and she has wonderfully indulged me. Thank you so much and God bless you sevenfold. You are an incredible artist. Continue blessing the world with your craft xx