Before we near the end of October, which is the pregnancy, infant and child loss awareness month, please allow me to honor my two little angels, Basti and Basti, in heaven.
For those who have not followed our journey, Eggy (that’s the husband) and I have mourned many years before we were able to celebrate the arrival of Santiago. Before Santiago, we had Juan Sebastian I and Juan Sebastian II – my little Basti & Basti.
But we were not meant to be parents to my little Bastis then. We lost them even before we got to know them.
It was a very frustrating time. Tears were shed, hearts were broken, harsh words and actions were thrown; all these because of hurt and anger and hopelessness.
After we lost Basti II, we found out that I have an auto-immune disorder that was causing our losses. One of the more known condition for this is APAS. But in reality, APAS was just one of the three categories that made it difficult for us to bring our babies to term.
Eggy was more optimistic than I was. But his optimism waned as months passed by when we could not conceive. And then one day, we stopped asking. We just lifted it up to Him and prayed that if He wouldn’t give us the grace to be stewards of his young ones, then so be it. We would just live our lives in a beach house with our fur babies.
But God surprised us with a positive pregnancy test, the month after we have declared surrender. No fertility meds. No follicle monitoring. No nothing. And we laughed and cried. We also greatly feared.
Luke 1:36-37 “And behold, your relative Elizabeth in her old age has also conceived a son, and this is the sixth month with her who was called barren. For nothing will be impossible with God.”
Our journey was long but we were lucky to have hundreds of prayer warriors who flooded heavens with prayers; we also had two little angels probably singing to God to give us their sibling.
For this, I was and am eternally grateful.
If there was one thing that this ordeal has taught us, it is this: God is in control.
We thought that we would never hold Santi. We thought that we would only have our two little cherubs in heaven but none in our arms.
But our journey has proven otherwise.
My body rejected my babies. We thought we were barren. But in His time and with all His medical, financial, emotional and spiritual provisions, we were finally called parents. Because yes…
For nothing will be impossible with God.
Why am I sharing this?
I want to reach out to all couples who have loved their babies but lost them. It doesn’t matter if he/she stayed with you for weeks, or months, or years. The pain will always be the same. However, know that despite all these sorrow, hopelessness, despair and anger that you may be feeling right now, THERE IS HOPE. And only time will reveal how grand His plan was all along. He will give you your heart’s desires, IN HIS TIME.
Our two Bastis in heaven is a reminder to never lose faith.
To never give up on hope.
Our losses have defined me as a mother: a mother who is overflowing with gratitude every time she looks at her son at night, knowing that he is the impossible made possible. He is the sibling his brothers in heaven, my two little sweet Bastis, prayed for.
And to you, my little angels, I will always love you. You will always have a space in my heart that no one will ever occupy. I love you both and you will always be remembered.
