“The tender words we said to one another are stored in the secret heart of heaven: One day like rain, they will fall and spread, and our mystery will grow green over the world.” – Rumi
The “M” word
seems like is taboo. Noone really talks about it publicly. But I do. I may not touch the life of someone inside my network but who knows? I am not posting this because I want pity or attention. I am sharing this because one day, hopefully, when I look back, I would be able to connect the dots of my fate and show that God really does work in mysterious ways.
I lost my first angel a year ago at five weeks. Doctors called it “the product of our conception”. It was a little offensive at that time but maybe it was their own medical jargon or something. I didn’t know I was pregnant up until the time that I had spotting. When I had my ultrasound, there was no embryo yet and soon enough, it was declared as blighted ovum. It meant that there was a gestational sac yet there was really no embryonic development.
Baby or no baby, it still felt devastating. It somehow also put a strain between me and my husband. I got back to work almost immediately, looking for solace in the thing that I do best — my job.
The effects of my first miscarriage lingered a while.
I am the type of person who does not accept “failures” gracefully. I hated myself. I hated everyone around me.
Time passed and our lives went back to normal. We got our own place and our cute little puppy. Husband got a new job and everything seemed like a fresh start. Our house was perfect for us, we describe it as “homey”, not a lot of stuff yet, just perfect for our own comfort. When we go home every night, we are greeted by our adorable Sachi, wagging his tail in excitement.
And then, there it was. Another positive test. I was ecstatic. More than anything in the world, I wanted my family to be complete. No, I did not want anything else but to be a mom. I did not want a promotion, I did not want a new car. Everything in my life was perfect except for a little bundle of joy in my arms.
I tried to be careful this time around. Drank the vitamins, went to my OB almost every week. It was heaven when I saw his (I claimed that he would be a “he”), heartbeat on the 5th and 7th week. I did not think that anything could go wrong.
I spoke too soon. The world crashed on me, again.
Twice, motherhood has been deprived of me. In most of my alone time, I keep on thinking where I have gone wrong — all the ifs, and should-have-beens – should have stayed home, should have not done this, blah blah blah. I can count a million things but there is nothing I can really do about it now.
I slept in my hospital bed and all I could think was that my stomach really felt empty. How maddening it felt when other people try to discard of life inside their stomach when there are couples who want a child so desperately. How unfair it felt that other people get pregnant so easily and everything was just a breeze. I could go on… but I know nothing would help. In the end, I just collapsed in my husband’s arms when we walked out of the hospital and headed back home.
Being home was torture. It was a habit for the past ten weeks that I talked to him during our private bathroom moments, telling him not to let go and to be with Mommy forever… we listened to the music every morning before we went to work. We cuddled in the bedroom with Daddy every night. But all those things, we could not do anymore. Because God needed another cherubim in Heaven.
It has been hard. But I keep my faith. God has made a miracle in my life this year, much bigger than this trial so I really could not question His will. What I worry most, in all honesty, is the effect this event has to my loved ones. Everyone was excited. The guilt, most especially, of having my husband go through all this again, is unbearable. If he had a healthier wife, he would have had two babies by now. If I were a different person with a different uterus, maybe I would have had my baby.
But everyone has been more than supportive and loving and I could not be recovering this fast (emotionally and physically) had it not been for all the love.
So today, I place my heart in God who knows better of this plan than I do. I am a personal spokesperson and a testament that He will make things right in His own time. In the meantime, we would have to undergo some tests of our own. I do not lose hope and I will do everything, sacrifice anything to make my family complete and happy.
Besides, we already have two wonderful angels in heaven looking after and praying for us… every single day.