I wish I were there, taking a photo of you blowing that blue cake for your second birthday. The truth is, I hate blue (I always have) but you like it so much that I do not have any resolve to go against what you want. I think it is every mother’s dream to be there in every birthday of her child. But then, things have not been exactly perfect for both of us. God needed you more than I did and I know deep in my heart that today, for your birthday, you are having an even grander celebration with the rest of the cherubs in heaven who have orchestrated the most amazing birthday song EVER, with Jesus probably giving you the most delicious cake in the whoooole universe!
Sometimes, I wish I could forget this day so that I could also forget the pain of losing you. But how could I? We were together for ten weeks, your tiny little heart thumping inside of me. The same blood flowing inside our veins. How can I forget? I would never. I could never.
In some universe, I know that I would be able to hold your tiny little hands for the first time. To see if you looked like me or daddy, not that it would be a big difference anyway. I would hug you so tight and would never let go.
In the meantime, celebrate with me tonight. In my dreams. Where I can cradle you close in my arms, closer to my heart… forever. And ever.
I am back! Ugh, after another bout of writing hiatus, here we go again.
I am not sure how other writers overcome the ‘I have nothing to write about’ feeling. The truth is, it is not really about not knowing what to write; it is more of ‘I have nothing to share that would interest my readers so I would just shut up… in the meantime.’
But anyway, that is another story that I would be sharing with you tomorrow. For now, let me give you a rundown of this book by John Green, Maureen Johnson and Lauren Myracle (yes, I spelled that right.)
Among the three John Green books I’ve read, this, The Fault in Our Stars, and An Abundance of Katherines, Let It Snow is on Top 2 of my list. I loved how the stories (there are three stories, by the way) intertwined with each other and yet, the plots were different and the tone of each story was different.
The three stories are: The Jubilee Express by Johnson, A Cheertastic Christmas Miracle by Green, and The Patron Saint of Pigs by Myracle. Here are some of my favorite quotes:
“There is always the risk: something is good and good and good and good, and then all at once it gets awkward.”
“Once you think a though, it is extremely difficult to unthink it.”
“I always had this idea that you should never give up a happy middle in the hopes of a happy ending, because there is no such things as a happy ending.”
“Holidays bring out neediness like nothing else.”
This book is such an easy read and I give it a 4 out of 5. Like the usual John Green, it is about young teenage love. Who doesn’t want to read about young romance from time to time, right? 😉
Have you ever heard of syringoma? Before I explain to you, let me first show you what it is —
According to MedicineNet, syringoma is a benign (noncancerous) skin tumor that derives from eccrine cells, specialized cells related to sweat glands. The skin lesions of syringoma usually appear during puberty or adult life, and consist of small bumps 1 to 3 mm in diameter that form under the surface of the skin. The most frequent site is the eyelids and around the eyes, but other areas of the body can also be affected. Syringomas more frequently affect women than men, and they have a hereditary basis in some cases.
In my case, I have suffered from this since I stepped into late high school. At first they were small bumps just right below my eyes and later on, just continued on multiplying. I tried to have it cauterized once but after six months, they were back.
It was a good thing that RCC Amazing was introduced to me by our former president, Mr. A. He told me that there is this revolutionary product which was made of cashew nuts, invented by a Filipino that could take away my syringoma.
I have gone through the desyringoma process under RCC Amazing for four times now – one in 2007, one in 2009 and another one before my wedding in 2012. I was just happy that it took three years for them to grow back again. Last Saturday, I asked the husband to accompany me again to Robinsons Galleria to have my growing bumps ‘burned’… again!
The total procedure would cost around PHP4000++. This includes the procedure and the treatments (creams, astringent and soap) that you need to use until they heal.
This is how I looked last Saturday after the procedure –
A closer look, perhaps? 😉
Six days later, all the scabs are gone and I am just waiting for them to heal completely —
The whole procedure would take around 30 to 45 minutes. I think you can purchase a topical anaesthesia from the drug store if you have low tolerance for pain (you can check with them first if you can do this since I have never used one). The skin technician will first clean your face. After that, she will prick on the bumps, similar to what they do in facials. The Desyringoma cream will then be applied and that’s when you will feel a burning sensation which would last for several minutes. I usually ask for a cardboard so that I can “fan away” the pain. Haha.
After the procedure, you are not allowed to wash your face for seven hours. You will then use their glycerin soap and antibacterial astringent to clean your face, followed by the application of the drying cream. When the scabs come off, you have to use a moisturizing cream in the morning and a whitening cream at night. You also need to avoid direct sunlight and apply their own sunblock cream when you have to go outdoors.
According to their website, this process of removing syringomas is through through herbal cautery using the DeSyringoma cream. The herbal cautery uses the active ingredient of the cashew oil that is known for its medicinal properties thus removing your syringomas safety and effectively.
I looooveee RCC Amazing that’s why I am sharing this (not a sponsored post). I really am into promoting products that I have personally tried and tested and this one has been nothing but amazing! Also, I think it is pretty awesome to have a Filipino inventor come up with something like this.
While syringoma is non-cancerous and its treatment is purely for cosmetic purposes, I would still do it because these crazy little bumps can affect your self-confidence especially if they start multiplying and would occupy your whole face (waahh!).
“No one can comprehend what goes on under the sun. Despite all the efforts to search it out, man cannot discover its meaning. Even if a wise man claims he knows, he cannot really comprehend it.” Ecclesiastes 8:16
This may come late. After all, the Lenten season is over. However, two days after Easter, my life felt like semana santa. This week has been full of suffering, doubt, feelings of betrayal and so on.
I know that Lent is usually about sacrifices. Us carrying our crosses. Us offering our sacrifice. So that is what happened to me. My suffering, my cross (another one) just came a week after.
I received another devastating news last Tuesday. Another big hiccup on my baby project. I was filled with hopelessness, self-pity, guilt, every awful feeling that you could imagine. After I came back from the hospital and seeing the results of my test, I cocooned myself at home and drowned myself in tears. My eyes were puffy and swollen and I couldn’t stop the tears. I want to be positive, I really do. But sometimes, it is just so hard to see the silver lining.
My friends, family and Edzel are always there and I could never be more grateful. Each of them pull me an inch out of my funk. It doesn’t get better. The situation is still the same. I just deal with it differently every day with the help of the people around me.
Just today, I talked to someone who has read my blog. She’s also suffering from repro-immuno disorder and we had an honest, soul-bearing conversation. And then I realized, I am not alone. Misery loves company. While that sounds utterly depressing, I would take what I can to not feel alone in this situation. It is just too much to bear.
Many of us suffering from this difficulty to conceive remain quiet. It’s devastating. It strips you off of your self-confidence, your self-esteem. I often hesitate every time I post about my condition. Why am I baring my inadequacy to the whole world? It is a family problem. It should be kept inside our walls. Maybe. If I am like everyone else.
But I am not. I have never been.
My conversation with my newfound friend this morning just strengthened my cause. This and all the emails from unknown people who reached out to me undergoing the same plight – us seeking solace from each other.
Repro-immuno disorder is so common now but noone knows about it until they miscarry more than once. Truth is, while the autoimmune test can turn out expensive, it would still come out as a better and cheaper option than spending for a miscarriage and carrying an awful emotional baggage. The treatment process is another story but I think knowing what you are up against is the first step.
So please, if you know anyone who has suffered from pregnancy loss, ask them to inquire about APAS. It could save them from the pain of having to endure more losses. And one more thing, please hug them for me…