I got a smack on the head last night. Having my episodes is always a sign of PMS. I always tell myself, it’s just the friggin’ hormones! Despite that knowledge, I am always sucked in to this abyss, feeling hopeless… just succumbing.
I do not know what is happening with my life. All these years, I work under a plan. And because of my little APAS situation, I have decided to quit corporate life in the hopes of having a baby. My ‘big’ sacrifice.
One month… three months… six months have passed and nothing. I have no stress, I have taken my medications religiously. Still nothing.
Do you think I am trying to grasp at some loose ends? Am I in a futile attempt to control what is happening? Maybe what I thought was sacrifice was in fact, trying to put things into my own hands and not really letting God? To the words of my best friend, Carla, maybe He does not really want me to sacrifice anything anymore and just go in blind faith that He can make things happen even if I have to go back to work again.
Such a crazy position to be in.
A friend told me that I am living the dream. I don’t have to work. I escape the horrendous traffic that everyone (who goes to their daily corporate grind) is braving everyday. I have all the time in the world to read all the books I want. I can write whenever I want.
Yes, I am living the dream. And yet, I want to go back to corporate. Why?
Because staying at home makes me feel like a lamp under a bowl.
Don’t get me wrong. I don’t undermine people who work from home. It is something noble for people who are born to be homemakers and for people whose calling is to change the world in the comfort of their own abode.
But me? I cannot continue to be a lamp under a bowl.
Because my gift is in connecting with people. My gift is in marketing. My gift is in seeing that I can change the world in my own little ways. I have always thrived in a team. Where people work together. I feed (for lack of a better term) from this energy. Interaction with others makes me whole. Succeeding WITH others makes me feel complete.
Do I regret my decision of quitting corporate?
No, not really. Because of my hiatus, I was able to hook up with an Australian client who specialises in the health and wellness industry. I was exposed to the world of autoimmune disorders and stress and how to counter it with healthy eating. Because of this six-month rest, I was able to brush up on my writing and reading.
But this can’t be enough. I really tried to love this situation. Be a homemaker. Do some writing. Focus on my treatments. But this is not who I am.
I think I have done my part and it’s time to just move on with life and stop living in fear and apprehension. Five rounds of immunotherapy with a go signal to conceive. And yet, after six months of rest and waaaayyy less stress, it is still not happening.
To have faith. To have faith that God can still make things work out in your favour, with or without your sacrifices. That is Carla’s closing words.
I don’t know. It was something that made me stop and think. And there is so much truth and sense in those words. Maybe she is right.